PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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