oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize