My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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