He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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