you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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