You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
