There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
