If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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