kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize