While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
