Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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