it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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