She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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