Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
