I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
