after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
