I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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