Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
