I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize