True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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