I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
