he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
