It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
