Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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