I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
