Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
