the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
