it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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