I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
