theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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