Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
