I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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