This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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