Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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