I think I died a long time ago.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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