I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
