I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize