my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize