I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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