WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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