someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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