her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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