Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
