I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
