i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
