Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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