I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
