I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
