Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
