so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize