trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize