I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
