She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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