ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
