So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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