Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
