Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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