This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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