we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
