I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
