I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Help. Why am I so naked?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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