how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
