how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
