Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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