What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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