I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
