Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this just has baby written all over it
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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