They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
